"Jolly Rogue" flag design by instantRiot

The only rules I will ever follow:

I will bring an extinguisher and a crowbar to every heist, so as to claim even those things which are nailed down and on fire.

I will not masquerade as a hero. My Twinkling Eyes and Rakish Grin would give me away all too soon.

I will not masquerade as a villain. My Heart of Gold would surely betray me at an inopportune moment.

I will hire a man to equip, activate, taste, and randomly fiddle with any unusual items I acquire. If he's still alive after a couple of hours, I will take the items and pay him for his services. If not, I'll bury the items and console myself with his wallet.

Swashbuckling with swords is good exercise and good for publicity. Even so, if I have the opportunity to dispatch a foe with a throwing knife or crossbow bolt from the shadows, I will take it.

I will not make a move on the hero's One True Love. Either the hero would come to her rescue and give me a sound thumping, or, worse, she would beat me down herself.

I will not make a move on the hero. As much fun as it would be to watch him sputter and blush in front of his companions, the scene could only hurt my chances with the ladies.

I will occasionally donate some of my loot to charitable causes, so that the hero (if I am ever at his mercy) will have qualms about killing me.

I will avoid the hero on weekends and social occasions. No matter how well I've earned my reputation as a ladies' man, when the good guys are nearby, even the naïvest of tavern wenches will inexplicably be immune to my charms.

Accordingly, I will remember that any woman who shows an interest in me when the hero is around almost certainly has an ulterior motive. I'll still take her out on a date, of course, but I will refuse any seemingly innocuous tasks, requests for information, or beverages she offers me.

I will not steal from tombs, crypts, altars, or any person who manages to look menacing while dead.

Furthermore, no matter how shiny the treasure is, if a booming disembodied voice tells me to put it back where I found it, I will do so promptly.

Before attempting to pick someone's pocket, I will first tie his bootlaces together, thus reducing the danger to myself if my legerdemain is detected.
- by Asrael

I will not keep a journal of my exploits. A journal's sole purpose is to be found on its owner's corpse in a dungeon somewhere, and I'd rather not have adventurers tsk-tsking over my unorthodox lifestyle as they loot my hard-stolen belongings.
- by Asrael

I will take credit for all of the hero's exploits in song.
- by Robin Sherwood

When haste is my top priority (for example, when hundreds of tons of stone are crashing down around my ears as I scramble for the temple exit), I will remember that haste is, in fact, my top priority. I will not try to drag a big bag of loot along with me. If the treasure is that great, I'll hire an excavation team to dig it out for me later.

I will realize that a cute animal sidekick is just as likely to get me into trouble as it is to help me out of it. Thus, before accepting one as a companion, I will at least make sure that it's smart enough to make itself scarce when I'm talking to the ladies. Nothing kills romance faster than a rat up the skirt or a monkey on the head.

I will not seduce the Evil Empress in an effort to obtain classified information from her. Whether she sees through my plan or not, she'll most likely use her mind-control powers to turn me into an unquestioning slave. Though my duties would surely be pleasant, a rogue is nothing without his freedom.

I will not act as a double agent for either side, since such activities are invariably discovered. If the Evil Overlord caught me double-crossing him, pain and death would be imminent; whereas if the hero learned of my betrayal, I would have to apologize and make some sappy, extravagant gesture of loyalty to redeem myself. Both scenarios are unacceptable.

I will familiarize myself with the local laws and ordinances of a town before I steal anything from its citizens. If it turns out that nicking an apple from the market gives the shopkeeper legal clearance to cut off my hands, I'll pass.

If I ever start dating a good and beautiful princess, I will take the first available opportunity to let her know that I'm not really a prince. Once she has fallen in love with me, she won't mind that I'm a common rogue, as long as I'm the one who breaks the news to her. Whatever happens, I won't let some rival suitor find out before she does and then blackmail me.

I will not alternately mock and flirt with the strong yet attractive bounty hunter who is chasing me. It never helps. (And if I'm caught, I'd rather be taken alive, thank you.)

I will not let my tongue become sharper than my sword. Nothing hurts worse than losing to a guy immediately after smack-talking him up one side and down the other.
- by Asrael

No matter how dashing I look in the traditional garb, I won't wear pants so tight that they impede mobility, nor shirts so poofy and unbuttoned that they get caught on things.
- by Asrael

I will under no circumstances fling myself in front of the Hero and utter the phrase, "If you want to get to him, you'll have to go through me first!" Not only would this be completely out of character, but the Villain would most likely take it as an invitation.
- by Jabberwocky

I will read all warning labels.
- by Jabberwocky

If there are numerous corpses and scorch marks occupying a particular section of the floor, but I cannot see a trap, I will suggest that the Hero go first; I will not inch closer in an attempt to figure it out.
- by Jabberwocky

I will never leave behind a gloating note at the scene of a robbery. If some form of gloating note is inescapable, I will under no circumstances sign it.
- by Jabberwocky

If I must wander off into an ominous forest in the middle of the night in order to relieve myself, I will never do so alone. Instead, I will use the buddy system, and bring the most intelligent/reliable party member with me. I will also inform the other party members of where I am going, and tell them that if I am not back in three minutes, they are to come and rescue me.
- by Jabberwocky

If I hear a suspicious noise in the middle of the night, and then my companion does not answer when I call out to him/her, I will not wander off alone to see what happened. I will treat it as a full-scale emergency and promptly relocate to the top of the nearest tree.
- by Jabberwocky

If the Hero is kidnapped by the Villain, I will not charge in alone through the front door to rescue him. I will instead hire several other suckers to charge in through the front door while I sneak in through the laundry chute.
- by Jabberwocky

I will never, ever, volunteer to be either bait or a distraction. Any attempt on the Hero's part to convince me that I should do so will result in my immediate defection from the party.
- by Jabberwocky

If something begins to glow and hum ominously after I touch it, I will not stand there and squint at it in confusion. I will immediately run screaming in the other direction.
- by Jabberwocky

I will under no circumstances change sides in the middle of a battle, for I would most likely end up being killed by both sides, which is entirely unacceptable.
- by Naraklak

I will under no circumstances allow bright and shiny objects to distract me from my task, for their purpose is most likely to set off a trap or release a monster who will eat me.
- by Naraklak

I will always let the hero or another member of the party enter any strange building, room, tunnel or gate before me in case there is a spell that will curse, a guard waiting to attack, or a monster waiting to eat the first person to enter.
- by Naraklak

I will not dye my hair bright colours. Although the ladies agree it is very dashing, it makes me far too visible.
- by Prince Cedric

Likewise, I will not grow large amounts of spiky hair, as it would impair my sight and get caught on things.
- by Prince Cedric

I will eschew flowy capes, no matter how nicely they swoosh. Their primary purpose is to get caught on every twig, thorn and impediment that crosses my path, making it that much easier for my pursuers. If I feel I cannot manage without one, I will make sure the clasp is easily unhooked, and make it a point not to get too attached, as I may need to leave it in a hurry.
- by MithrilWombat

If I spot what seems to be a highly valuable object with no immediately visible hexes, guards, or something that would otherwise shorten my lifespan, I will promptly retrieve said highly valuable object.
- by Maeniel

Altars. Altars are bad. They should not be moved, robbed, looted, or desecrated. Altars are always bad news.
- by Beth

Especially ancient altars.
- by Beth

When encountering hoards of treasure, I will remember that gold is the heaviest of all metals. It is wiser to pocket the jewels, as they are lighter and of equal (if not greater) value.
- by Beth